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“I wonder if she knows.


My daughter was five years old (now nine) when her brother Jackson (now five) was diagnosed with自闭症两岁后不久。

由Melissa Weatherspoon提供

但是,她的生活就像她的父亲和我的生活一样,在那之前已经改变了。杰克逊(Jackson)转而发生后不久,我们的生活开始改变。主要原因是由于她哥哥的严重睡眠回归问题。他只是一个,所以在深夜醒来似乎是我们会经历的正常事情。一开始我没有考虑太多。但是,杰克逊的sleep issues很严重。我每晚只睡三个小时,可能在白天睡一个小时,我记得这是一个阶段。


A little girl sits in a lawn chair sipping a juice pouch
由Melissa Weatherspoon提供

She loved going to the beach. We went every chance we could. She and her father would spend hours hand-making cosplay costumes to go to comic cons in our local area. We would even hand-stitch her Halloween costumes. We went on family vacations, shopping trips. We always had the time and option to do these things.

A girl and her mother wearing swimsuits at the beach
由Melissa Weatherspoon提供

Slowly but surely, it all started to stop.

In the beginning, I remember her coming out of her room asking to play or go somewhere and telling her we couldn’t. The look of sadness on her face brought me such a feeling of failure.Her brotherhad been up all night the night prior, completely destroying my house. I had to clean up the mess from the night before while he was still throwing food all over my house and digging in the trash can. He was not listening to my commands to stop.

由Melissa Weatherspoon提供

He wouldn’t even acknowledge me, but I still had to clean the mess, the never-ending mess that now consumed our lives. I also had to try to rest before I went to work later in the day. I wonder if she knows I only said no because I thought tomorrow would be better. I thought eventually our lives would settle down.

I wonder if she knew I wanted to go too. I wonder if she now knows the guilt I felt telling her no and seeing that sadness in her eyes.

由Melissa Weatherspoon提供

I wonder if she knows how bad I felt when her brother would wake her up in the middle of the night by going into her room. Especially when she would have school the next day. I wonder if she knows how it crushed me. How much I felt like a failure.


由Melissa Weatherspoon提供


Lillyana is the most sensitive soul I have ever met. She can feel everything intensely around her. Including my struggles withsleep deprivation, anxiety, and isolation. One day she came out of her room, and she handed me a post-it note. She had written, ‘Mom, I know it is hard to take care of Jackson a lot. I love you two more than you think.’

A handwritten note in purple marker from a girl to her mom
由Melissa Weatherspoon提供
A little girl sits by herself on her tablet
由Melissa Weatherspoon提供


I wonder if she knows how genuinely bad I felt. I wonder if she knows how hard I tried but couldn’t catch up.


A little girl in a Hello Kitty shirt and her mom
由Melissa Weatherspoon提供


由Ashley Dawn Photography提供


由Melissa Weatherspoon提供



由Melissa Weatherspoon提供
由Melissa Weatherspoon提供


A little girl blows on a dandelion in a field
由Ashley Dawn Photography提供




A mom and her daughter stand together in a field
由Ashley Dawn Photography提供

这个故事提交给 beplay网络一直不畅 by Melissa Weatherspoon of Norfolk, Virginia. You can follow their journey onFacebook。提交自己的故事 这里,并确保 订阅to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube为了我们最好的视频。


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