“Looking back to 3 years ago, I didn’t know my life would have turned out this way. Back then I was wanting to plan a wedding, wanted to try for a baby and be with the person I thought was the love of my life. Sadly, life gets in the way and people change and I had to give it all up.
我于2016年7月搬到一个没有工作的新城镇，一间小型工作室公寓，没有汽车，也不认识这个新小镇的任何人。每天晚上我睡着时，我几年来最快乐的感觉，微笑着。我能够很快找到工作；结交了朋友，我很高兴能走到任何地方。
在我十几岁的时候，我被诊断出患有抑郁症和焦虑。我于2008年首次被诊断出，在2011年，我经历了一年的精神病。我与精神疾病的斗争很难，但是在这个新城镇中，我觉得自己已经努力了，而且我做得很好。那些周围的人以为我在新生活中蓬勃发展，老实说我是。
Being as insightful as I am, I knew what goes up, must come down. The trauma I had just gone through with my ex hadn’t mentally caught up to me yet and I knew it was coming.
In September 2016, I was on a bus to work when the voices in my head first came back, ‘You should just cut yourself.’ It startled me, and I knew my psychosis symptoms were coming back. I had voices for the next few days telling me to do horrible things to myself because I was worthless. I didn’t listen to them and simply tried to ignore the voices the best I could but then the nightmares started, and I became jumpy at every little noise, I knew my mental illness was back and I was relapsing.
我研究了这个新城镇的每个医生诊所，以找到接受心理健康培训的人，并尽快让自己预约。我立刻被服用药物，进行了测试，以确保我没有任何身体错，我被转介给心理学家。我觉得每天消失的幸福，我像十几岁的时候一样再次挣扎。
A few weeks went by and I met my psychologist, a male. In our first appointment, like most of my previous first meetings with new psychologists, we went through the timeline of my life. Pretty much I explain where I came from, my family, their history, how school was, I answer lots of questions about my previous battles with mental illness etc. So, for the 30th something time, yes, I have seen over 30 psychologists by this point, I told him my story.
I recounted the times I was at my lowest and feared for my safety. I told him about all the times I’d lock myself in my bathroom from people I trusted as they screamed and threatened me. I told him about how I was neglected by people I thought would always be there and support me during my life but instead forgot about me. I cried to him about the times I was scared as a person I knew would touch me in ways they weren’t allowed to, and I didn’t willingly consent to and had to listen to others that thought they had a say in what happened to my body.
我解释了我看着门被打破的时间，或者墙壁上有一个洞，我知道如果我不跑步的话，轮到我了。解释我何时不知道我一年是否会在圣诞节过上屋顶。我告诉他，我如何看着我的朋友在我面前多次自杀，并看到她的死亡来了。我看着自己恶化，失去了我作为一个人的身份，因为我信任的许多人对我抛弃了多年的所有情感和心理虐待。我告诉他有关我遇到的缠扰，以及所有针对我的性骚扰和袭击只是因为我是女性。我开放了我记得的所有虐待，并可以处理那天，因为我向某人打开我的故事的一面是如此艰难和可怕，因为我不信任任何人。但是这一天，我真正地打开了尽可能多的东西，并听到了我的聆听。
‘K，我认为我们需要停止，很明显您有很多创伤。I can’t believe you’re still here after all the trauma you have gone through!’ He said when we had only gotten to 2013, I still had 3 more years of my story left and he was shocked by what I had encountered so far. He didn’t let me continue then because he was worried of my mental state and recommended I see a psychiatrist for a diagnosis. He suspected I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and had gone undiagnosed for years.
Sure enough, I was later diagnosed with PTSD and it changed my whole life. As I learnt more about my illness, the more everything made sense. I understood why I was having constant nightmares, what a panic attack really was and why I was fainting a lot, I learnt what a flashback was and why I felt like I was always reliving my traumatic experiences. I realized how avoidant I was to situations that reminded me of my trauma, I was constantly paranoid of something, anything happening, I never felt safe. I became so exhausted from the lack of sleep and being so tense all the time, my eating patterns changed, I stopped walking everywhere and would wait for someone to come with me to do my shopping. Always looking over my back, I was terrified constantly.
心理学家不久后离开了，我得到了一位女性心理学家，他意识到我最大的触发因素实际上是男性，我被告知我在准备好之前不要与任何人一起工作。It was like someone finally picked up on all the things I was in constant fear of but felt so ashamed in myself that I just pushed through it until she said ‘K, it is okay to be afraid of these things, it is okay.’ I finally started to accept my mental illness, its symptoms and the triggers, I was finally able to start my recovery.
现在是2019年，我仍在每天与C-PTSD作斗争（由于我的漫长而复杂的创伤，我最终被诊断出患有复杂的创伤后应激障碍），抑郁症，焦虑，边缘性人格障碍的特征，严重的精神病症状和严重的精神病症状和还发展了广告恐惧症并患有阅读障碍。我每周两次都在心理学中，我有多个支持工人来拜访我，把我带到我家外面，我有很棒的医生，我正在服用很多药物以使我继续前进，现在我有一辆汽车，我现在有一辆汽车我不得不离开工作，但我正在尽力而为。
我仍然每天都在挣扎，但是我现在能够更好地管理事情，我拥有一个很好的支持系统，而我最好的朋友一直是我的摇滚。除非有人和我在一起，否则我仍然不能离开我的房子，或者我要去我熟悉的地方并为此做很多准备，但是我正在努力。我知道我要恢复到前面的漫长道路，但我决心要变得更好。
我认为最困难的部分是接受我长大的想法实际上不是正常的，我经历的事情是可怕和痛苦的。我不得不再次了解正确的方法的正确方法，并且可以有情感，我什至不得不学习一些情绪，因为我不知道。我一生中经历了10多种创伤经历，这些经历严重影响了我的大脑，以至于我现在患有C-PTSD和其他疾病/挣扎。我的功能不像以前那样，而且与曾经的情况相比，每一天都是挣扎。
我想为C-PTSD提高认识and mental health in general because it is so important to talk about and to help those who experience it and also educate those who don’t know or understand it. We need to be there for each other, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for the support of others, it is super important to have people around you. I now help raise awareness on my Instagram and have created a safe place for everyone to share their stories and keep the conversation around mental illness open.”
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