“Sometimes I feel there is a stigma placed on adoption that it is only for rich married couples that cannot have their own children. I hate this stigma. Adoption can be and is a beautiful process for all different types of families. No matter the circumstances, a child is being welcomed into a loving home by parents who will love and guide that child.
Drue and I met at EFY, basically a church camp for youths. My husband wrote his number on the back of my camp book but had horrible handwriting so it took 4 years and Facebook for us to finally reconnect, but when we did, we didn’t waste any time. We started dating in September, got engaged in November and married in March of the next year.
Right off the bat we both knew we wanted a large family. I remember before we had any kids we would jokingly say we wanted eight children. Then we had our first child and oh boy! With each consecutive child we would start to subtract one child from our total count. After we had our first born, then we were ok with having only 7 children. Imagine our surprise when we realized we were actually halfway there before we turned 30!
For the most part we haven’t struggled with having children, though I do have hard pregnancies. I suffer from hyperemesis gravidarum which initially makes me lose about 20-35 pounds and lots of hospital visits with each pregnancy. So how did we end up in a situation of adoption? It actually goes back to my husband’s side of the family for a few generations. Some families are destined or blessed to have multiple adoption throughout generations, and we have been blessed to continue this tradition. My husband’s grandmother, mom, and aunt have all been adopted.
Our journey to adoption has been filled with happiness, joy, tears, and lots of prayer. We had decided to travel nurse as a family before our oldest son started kindergarten. This would allow us to travel the country and get paid to do it! Our first stop on our travel nursing adventure was a visit to our grandmother. While we were visiting, we received terrible news.
‘Your sister-in-law has been arrested. Her kids will be placed in foster care if someone is unable to pick them up from school tomorrow.’
Our hearts sank! What could we do to help? That was when Drue and I sat down and had a very important conversation. Could we handle three more children while travel nursing? We just had a baby, did we think it sensible to add more children to our family right now?
碰巧的是，因为我们拜访了祖母，我们可以带家人，并在12小时内到达侄女和侄子的位置。在我们的小型货车带着三岁以下的三岁儿童到达这座城市后，我们能够与几个朋友建立联系，以便住宿。第二天，我们从学校挑选了两个侄女和侄子。第三个侄女是在同一城市和一个家庭朋友在一起，因为她只有2岁，不在学校。
这个时候的全貌开始unfold of what situation we were actually dealing with. Because of how quickly everything happened, we never had time to truly search for a lawyer. And when we did find one, we would find out that they couldn’t work on our case due to conflict of interest. We went to court with hopeful hearts but scared. We knew there was a chance the judge wouldn’t want to listen to us due to not having a lawyer. But what could we do? Every other lawyer we contacted couldn’t work with us. As we sat down in the court room we waited until we could tell the judge that we were the best home for all three children to live with. Well, due to previous legal proceedings, the older niece and nephew were ordered to go live with a grandmother they had not seen in years. The court also ordered the older two children to go to a foster until the grandmother could arrive. Luckily that was the next day, but it was gut wrenching to hand off your own family members to a couple that you have never met. What would they eat? Where would they sleep? Would they be scared at bedtime? All of those things and more raced through our minds as we brought them to the DCFS office.
令我们惊讶的是，这对夫妇使我们大部分恐惧休息。他们是真实的，甜美的，很容易与孩子们联系。我们给了我们的侄女和侄子我们的手机号码，并在短时间内尽可能多地提供爱。通过泪水和拥抱，我们将它们带到了寄养家庭的汽车上，并说了再见。这确实加强了我们的决心，以确保最小的侄女不会忍受同样的过程。
It was so frustrating, but our main focus was getting them into a good home and not letting them end up as part of the system. Once we knew that the older two siblings would be ok, we then focused our attention to the youngest niece.
在这一点上，我们知道我们需要与妈妈谈论与我们签署监护权的问题。她肯定会看到我们的家，与家人在一起，最适合她的女儿。我们购买了一张囚犯电话卡，只是为了打15分钟的电话来辩护我们的案件。我记得我很开心谈话，因为我太紧张了，我会说错话。最终，当我们谈论那周发生的事件时，我们就侄女留在我们身边的话题就开始了。
‘No, I just don’t think my daughter staying with you guys would be best,’ the bio mom said. As simple as that. No reason or explanation. I looked at Drue with desperation hoping he would see I wanted to press the issue. But he just looked at me and shook his head no. Afterwards when we hung up, I asked Drue why he didn’t want to push it further? He said, ‘I felt impressed that at this time I don’t think it would have made a difference what we said to her, her decision wouldn’t have changed. But I do know that she’s our family and we’re going to do what we can to make sure she’s in a good, loving home.’ A few days later the mother decided to signed over guardianship only to the paternal grandfather. So she went to live with her grandparents for the next few months.
However before she went to live with her grandparents, we got to spend time with this precious soul. Can I say she has the most innocent and sweetest smile? It was at that time that we knew we would only be traveling long enough to do one nursing contract and then head back home. During our travel nursing assignment, we kept in touch with our niece. Both my husband and I and her paternal grandparents agreed that our home would be best in the end for her. So again, we talked to her biological mother and let her know that we felt like our home would be best for our niece. She was in a home with no other children her age and her grandparents were past the time to taking care of young children. I’m not sure what changed her heart (whatever it was we are so grateful for that decision), three months later we were able to welcome our niece into our home.
So here we were, we have just welcomed the birth of our third child 9 months ago, and now we were adding another child into our home. We were so lucky she fit right in with our three kids. Within a couple of weeks of having her in our home we knew we wanted to adopt her but there was still a chance of reuniting her with her parents. So we waited, but after a year those chances of her being reunited were slim. At that point we were legally ready to have her as a permanent part of our family.
It was a long road. Having a kin adoption is difficult, you’re wanting to make sure to not step on any family’s toes while still making sure your number one priority is this sweet child that you’ve been entrusted with. Then we started noticing she was having a rough time making friends and connecting with children her age. Plus, with all the changes she had happen she started having really bad anxiety. She would often wake up crying. Little things would set her off and she would have outbursts of emotions. Normal events or changes in her life, would cause huge anxiety attacks and she had a hard time coping. At this time Drue and I decided that therapy would be best. It was the best decision, not only was she getting the help she needed but we had a professional explaining what was happening to her and how we could help.
当我们让女儿加入家人时，我没想到有一件事是她的头发！由于某种原因，我期望这会非常容易，但是我很挣扎。对我来说，我的双种族儿童的头发更容易管理。尽管我不知道该怎么办，但我知道我必须弄清楚。我喜欢展示爱情的一种外在方式是确保我的孩子总是穿着干净的衣服，并每天早晨放学前和教堂前完成头发。我下定决心要正确。我什至记得记得向我所有的白人朋友发送大规模文字，要求提示并尝试其中的每一个。我什至比我们的正常时间早三十分钟醒来，这样我就不必在放学前的早晨尝试三头脑子来匆忙和压力我的女孩。让我告诉你，在8分钟内早上做三种发型是可行的，但不建议。
通常，当我和我们的四个孩子在一起时，我听到陌生人的声音，“她真的是你的孩子吗？”“你真的是她的母亲吗？”在我的孩子面前！这很难，因为他们不只是接受我只是一个妈妈照顾我的孩子并像其他任何妈妈一样跑腿，而是想质疑我是否应该和这个孩子在一起。这很痛苦，因为它可以开始在我孩子的脑海中提出问题，不应该在那里。她有一个照顾她的母亲和父亲，她不必担心为什么每个人都想知道为什么她是我的女儿。
The days leading up to the adoption were stressful. There was still a chance the biological mom could prolong the process. The biological father had consented to adoption, but she was still struggling with the finality of it. Here we are going before a judge with what we now consider our daughter and an integral part of our family. What if the judge for whatever reason wouldn’t recognize how she fit in our family?
But the adoption day couldn’t have been more perfect. We arrived with our family and a couple close friends. The judge was so kind and actually came down to the table we were sitting at in the court room. He made our daughter feel special and then made sure to include the rest of the children in the process of the adoption. Our sweet daughter was adopted on October 16, 2019.
I just kept uttering, ‘I can’t believe this day is finally here.’ The same happiness and euphoric feeling I had at the birth of my other children is exactly how I felt the day of our daughter’s adoption.
收养后，我想以我丈夫的想法和感受结束。‘我对我的哈里斯爷爷有美好的回忆。他分享的一个具体记忆是，很久以前，他被部署去战争并为我们的自由而战。During this time, he would spend some of his req time at the orphanage with children of the country he was in. The war was terrible and like most wars neither side ‘won.’ On departure my Grandpa decided he was not going to leave without doing something good for this country. He proceeded to adopt a young baby girl he had a special connection with.
我不是在战争和从未面临的恐怖Grandfather did. However, I have seen terrible things happen to good people and felt the same urge to do something good for this country and those I see in need. I hope that I am honoring his memory and fighting for the good things in life even in terrible situations.
I look forward to providing this vibrant young girl, who will be an amazing young woman and then a wonderful mother, a home that she can feel safe in and be herself. A home that she is sheltered from the terrible parts of life until she is ready to venture on her own adventures. I am proud to call you one of my children.”
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