‘I said if I wasn’t married by 30, I was going to have a baby on my own. They laughed, told me I was crazy.’: Single mom by choice shares journey with infertility

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“Welcome to my journey to becoming asingle motherby choice.

woman holding her baby
Courtesy of Kerri R.

我叫Kerri。我从佐治亚州亚特兰大地区31岁。我在航空业中担任空姐,这是我非常热衷的。这很可能是我有史以来最好的工作。我和我的姐妹们长大了single motherby circumstance. I think subconsciously that is what sparked my interest in being a SMBC. My mother raised me and my sisters to be independent women. She always taught us that a partner in life was a want, not a need. I took it a little too literally. Growing up I never pictured myself getting married, having some fancy wedding and a white picket fence. Nope, I grew up knowing I was meant to be a mother. I started babysitting at a young age and when my youngest sister was born, oh lord I was in love! She was my first taste of true love. Being there for her birth and being her big sister lit a fire in my soul. I loved being her big sister; loved helping my mom take care of the baby. My mom had a pretty severe accident when my sister was 4 months old and for a few months while she was incapacitated, I got to step up and really help out with the baby. It wasn’t what you’d expect a 10 year old to be doing, but I took on the task of helper with such pride. Over the years I continued to babysit and would go to work in daycare and nannying positions well into adulthood.

My real decision to become a single mother by choice was made when I was 16. I don’t think that I really knew how I was going to go about it or if I would even have to go it alone but I remember telling my friends and family that if I wasn’t married or in a serious relationship bound for marriage by the age of 30, I was going to have ababy on my own。They laughed of course; told me I was crazy. Little did they know I was completely serious. I’d dated around in my late teens and early twenties. They were more young-love than anything else. One of the relationships was an abusive one – mentally, physically, and emotionally. As a 21-year-old that can be pretty scarring to your ego. I shut down; swore off relationships after that. Things became casual hookups only when it came to men. In early 2019, I’d starting seeing someone a bit more regularly, but it was still nothing serious and surely nothing to write home about in the way of ‘love.’

Fast forward to May of that year, I becamepregnant。我欣喜若狂。我看到的人不是too thrilled that I was pregnant, as he had two kids of his own. He wanted me to have an abortion. I straight up told him no – I was going to have that baby, my baby, regardless of what he wanted. I told him I didn’t want or need anything from him and I embarked on the journey to motherhood. Sadly, my pregnancy ended in miscarriage at eight weeks. I was devastated. There’s this unspoken easiness that comes over you the moment you learn you’re pregnant. It’s like your whole mindset changes in an instant and you find yourself thinking all the things; ‘what do I need to do?’ ‘who do I need to call?’ ‘how soon can I get an appointment?’ The list goes on and on and it never stops. So, when my miscarriage occurred, those thoughts carried over into ‘how did I let this happen?’ ‘what could I have done differently?’ ‘did I work too much those first couple weeks?’ I hit rock bottom. I was in the lowest state I had ever been in my life, and I started seeing a therapist weekly to cope with my loss.

woman sitting on the front steps
Courtesy of Kerri R.

我花了一些时间,但是到2019年11月,我已经决定是时候了。成为母亲是我一生中需要的地方,所以我开始通过Co-Parents.com研究知名捐助者。我不得不迅速从真正的捐助者那里清除爬行者。找到了一个真正的捐助者,花了很多时间。一旦我这样做,我们就举行了一次面对面的会议。我喜欢他,并且对选择他感到满意。我很幼稚 - 我肯定认为这将是一种交易类型。男孩,我错了!到2020年3月,我仍然没有怀孕。我决定与我的ob/gyn联系,并完成一项完整的工作,以确保事情正常工作。 Everything came back normal. Because everything was as normal as could be, I was diagnosed with unexplainedinfertility。我没有真正的知识不孕以及many people it affected. It was like a gut punch to hear that I was ‘infertile.’ My doctor prescribed me a three month trial of Clomid and said that if I wasn’t pregnant by month three, she’d refer me to a fertility clinic. Well, month three came and went and I was STILL not pregnant. I remember praying to God every day during this time, just praying He’d send me a child. To my surprise, He did send a baby… just not to me. I got a phone call from my sister in early June of 2020, and it was her telling me that she was pregnant. I was so angry. Angry at her, angry at God, angry at my body. I remember telling her that I was done with her. She got the one thing I wanted most and it killed me. I called my mother and asked her if it was true and when she said yes, I cried like I’ve never cried before. I just remember asking her what was so wrong with me that I couldn’t get pregnant. I was just lost in that moment. (I will add that my sister and I did end up talking things over and going through our pregnancies together. Our boys were born four months apart. They’re little best friends already!)

快进到6月中旬,我收到我的推荐or the fertility clinic. I met with two different ones via zoom meetings. I loved the second doctor I’d met with from Shady Grove Fertility. Something about him just spoke to me. I had my first appointment late in the month. I went through all kinds of testing (HSG, blood work galore, ultrasounds left and right). In August, my doctor gave me a protocol that included IUI with discussion of IVF if I was still not pregnant by cycle number three with the clinic. I was so excited. However, I was not letting myself get my hopes up. I mean, it didn’t work for the nine months prior, why would it work this time, right?

8月28日。IUI日。那天早上我和平。我向上帝祈祷,并向宇宙说了一些肯定。‘我今天要怀孕!Baby E将与我一起回家!’8月28日,这是我曾祖母的生日,在我心中占有特殊的位置。我记得在跟她说话,也只是问她一个奇迹。我不知道到底是什么,但是在9月11日,我发现自己怀孕了!我记得我的护士打了电话。她说,‘嘿,女孩,你今天接受了血液检查,对吗? Wanna know the results?’ I said, ‘uhm, YES!’ to which she replied ‘you’re knocked up girl!’ I immediately began sobbing. I couldn’t believe it. I was so sure it was going to take more than one try just based on what I’d gone through previously and the unexplained infertility diagnosis. I can’t begin to explain the amount of relief I felt when I got that news. That relief, however didn’t last long. It was quickly replaced with worry that would last the entire first trimester. Thankfully though, despite all of my worrying, I had an amazing pregnancy.

maternity photo of woman in a red dress with her hands on her stomach
Nataly Huertas Photography

I gave birth to my son on May 20th – four days after my 31st birthday. It is a day I will never forget for as long as I live. I had to have an emergency c-section and when they brought him to me for the first time, I looked at him and said, ‘I have been waiting for you’ (still makes me tear up!). Finally having him here was such an overwhelming feeling. I felt like I could finally breathe again, like my life was complete and my heart was whole. My rainbow baby was here. I look at him every single day in awe. He is perfect to me, and even more perfect for me. I don’t know what I did to deserve him.

妈妈and her baby
Courtesy of Kerri R.

Being a single mom has been amazing so far. Sure, we’ve had some bumps in the road but we’re only 10 weeks in. It wasn’t easy the first two and a half weeks trying to recover from major surgery and taking care of a newborn, but we powered through it and found our groove. My favorite part of being a SMBC is not having to share him with anyone! I get all the snuggles and love I want. I get to make all the decisions regarding him without having to mesh with someone else’s opinions or beliefs, I get to parent the way I want to parent. That’s not to say it will always be easy. Of course, I worry about him resenting me for him not having a ‘traditional’ family. I worry that he’ll somehow feel ‘less than’ around his friends. But I will do my very best to make sure he knows that he is part of a special kind of family and that he knows his mama loves him so much that she went to the ends of the earth to get to him. It won’t always be easy, but will most definitely be worth it. He is worth it.

妈妈snuggling with her baby
Courtesy of Kerri R.

我当然不是单身母亲的专家,但对我而言,这个决定很容易。我知道我想要的东西,我追求了。当人们控制自己的生活并且不遵循社会所说的我们需要拥有的曲奇切割机生活方式时,我发现它具有授权。生孩子不是,也不应该仅限于婚姻和白色纠察围栏。我的孩子是我最伟大的部分,如果我再也没有做任何正确的事,我很高兴他是我做对的一件事。

baby smiling in a rainbow shirt
Courtesy of Kerri R.

If I had to give one piece of advice to someone wanting to become a single mother by choice it would be, simply, do it. Motherhood is so rewarding and you shouldn’t miss out on it just because you’re single. I think we’re some pretty badass women in this SMBC community.”

woman holding her baby, smiling
James Hill Photo

这个故事提交给beplay网络一直不畅by Kerri R. from Atlanta, Ga. You can follow her journey onInstagram。Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own storyhere.Be sure tosubscribeto our free email newsletter for our best stories, andYouTubefor our best videos.

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