‘I let my pain lead—it worked until it didn’t.’: Widow, toxic relationship survivor says ‘I can’t look backward anymore’

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这是一个记录辛迪·史密斯(Cyndi Smith)正在进行的悲伤之旅的后续故事。要阅读辛迪的完整故事,请点击here

“悲伤是每个不幸携带它的人的负担。它很重,有时甚至会碎。Griefcan come from past relationships, death, trauma—it is not attached to one particular life event, but rather a combination of past experiences.

在很多方面,悲伤和失落使我变得更好。我现在非常爱,因为我了解时间是如此宝贵。我珍视我过去认为是时间废物的东西。我不必担心我过度关心的事情。我不会过分地认真对待生活,也不会像以前那样专注于世界的忧虑。这都不重要。重要的是您使人们的感觉如何。金钱现在对我来说是世界上最不重要的事情。当然,很高兴拥有。但是,如果选择金钱或幸福,幸福每次都会赢得胜利。

我意识到悲伤I’ve been carrying is impacting my life in a negative way. Two very traumatic events influence the way I process almost everything—the death of my husband and the mistreatment I endured in a relationship after. I let the pain from both events lead my thoughts, words, and actions. It’s self-preservation because it feels safe to compare everything to those traumas as a way to gauge where I am and how things make me feel. It worked for a while. Until it didn’t.

最重要的是,我想继续前进并快乐。我知道我应该为自己和我的女儿得到这一点。我知道我能够独立于某人过上幸福的生活,但是最近我意识到与某人的幸福生活是正确的。而且,虽然再次向某人开放很恐怖,但我做到了。而且很好。太好了,我什至没有真正准备好写很多关于它的文章,因为害怕弄乱它。我现在喜欢它是私人的。

一个小女孩在碗里吃面条
由辛迪·史密斯(Cyndi Smith)提供

today, I prayed. I prayed the kind of prayer that drains every ounce of energy from your body. I talked to God about all of the things I’ve been holding in, and I laid it all down. The more I prayed, the more I cried. I believe sometimes God breaks you down to your knees so you can cry it all out and start out with fresh eyes to see more clearly.

I cannot carry grief and trauma into a new relationship. That’s not fair to anyone involved, especially GuyISeeAFutureWith (for lack of a better nickname). In order for anything to work with anyone, I have to move forward and not compare a single thing happening now to what happened then. It’s just not fair to him.

我将永远是寡妇,,,,but that’s not my identity. It doesn’t define me as a person. It’s just something unfortunate that happened to me. I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t choose it. It is a burden on my life, and some days, I just want to be anonymous in a small town again before cancer thrust us into the spotlight.

所以我要放下它,成为一个负担寡妇以及这种关系的负担几乎使我打破了。那不是我作为一个人的人。我比这两个事情都多得多。

一年前,我在与一个在海滩露营者gun in my mouth with typed-out messages to my friends and family ready to send because I wanted to die. That’s where holding on to grief takes you, and I will never go back there again. When I think about everything I would’ve missed if I pulled that trigger, I get chills. I know what it’s like to be at your absolute lowest and have to will yourself to live. If you feel like that, there is hope. I would’ve missed so many opportunities to be happy.

Since then, I have rebuilt my life into something crazy and beautiful. I’m surrounded by friends who love me. I love my daughter more than anything on this earth. Starting over was scary, but we did it. There were a few bumps in the road, some sad times, a global pandemic, some days I never wanted to end, and some days I wouldn’t do over if you paid me, but we’re here. We’re alive. We’re healthy. And we are happy.

最后一个月我的生活一直没说完iest of my entire life. I have smiled more, laughed more, and felt more loved than I have in a long time. The only stress I have felt has been connected to the bad relationship I am still dealing with the repercussions of. There is finally an end in sight to that, and I can put it behind me forever and chalk it up to one big, bad, decision.

In order to move forward with my life, I can’t look backward anymore. I am running full speed toward my future and everything good it has to offer and letting go of all the pain and trauma of my past. No one deserves to carry that pain forever. Carrying it only hurts you longer.

Dragging悲伤通过生活是束缚。携带它很重,但是当您打破链条并减轻其重量时,您终于自由了。自由爱,自由快乐,可以自由地继续前进,进入上帝打算生活的生活。这是我最好的脚步。”

一个女人把女儿靠在水边
由辛迪·史密斯(Cyndi Smith)提供

t他的故事被提交给beplay网络一直不畅阿拉巴马州穆迪的辛迪·史密斯(Cyndi Smith)。您可以在她的网站上关注她的旅程here你有类似的经历吗?我们想听听您的重要旅程。提交自己的故事here.务必subscribeto our free email newsletter for our best stories, andYouTubefor our best videos.

Read more stories from Cyndi here:

‘一个小老太太称赞我的车。我本可以说谢谢。取而代之的是,我说:“我丈夫去世后我买了它。’她的眼中流泪。”:女人与陌生人分享了与爱与悲伤的陌生人的感动

‘我被过度服从,一种无情的僵尸。没有他,我不知道该如何庆祝。我觉得今年。’:寡妇在悲伤的同时在节假日分享“寻找新的常态很奇怪”

‘I’m still forced to see him at court proceedings. I want to run so far away from him. My whole body hurts.’: Narcissistic abuse survivor says ‘there is absolutely nothing romantic about abuse’

“这不是正常的行为。”他的嘴唇痕迹到处都是。她那天晚上救了我。’:母亲在女儿的帮助下幸免于难,“有希望”

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