“悲伤是每个不幸携带它的人的负担。它很重，有时甚至会碎。Griefcan come from past relationships, death, trauma—it is not attached to one particular life event, but rather a combination of past experiences.
我意识到悲伤I’ve been carrying is impacting my life in a negative way. Two very traumatic events influence the way I process almost everything—the death of my husband and the mistreatment I endured in a relationship after. I let the pain from both events lead my thoughts, words, and actions. It’s self-preservation because it feels safe to compare everything to those traumas as a way to gauge where I am and how things make me feel. It worked for a while. Until it didn’t.
today, I prayed. I prayed the kind of prayer that drains every ounce of energy from your body. I talked to God about all of the things I’ve been holding in, and I laid it all down. The more I prayed, the more I cried. I believe sometimes God breaks you down to your knees so you can cry it all out and start out with fresh eyes to see more clearly.
I cannot carry grief and trauma into a new relationship. That’s not fair to anyone involved, especially GuyISeeAFutureWith (for lack of a better nickname). In order for anything to work with anyone, I have to move forward and not compare a single thing happening now to what happened then. It’s just not fair to him.
我将永远是寡妇，，，，but that’s not my identity. It doesn’t define me as a person. It’s just something unfortunate that happened to me. I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t choose it. It is a burden on my life, and some days, I just want to be anonymous in a small town again before cancer thrust us into the spotlight.
一年前,我在与一个在海滩露营者gun in my mouth with typed-out messages to my friends and family ready to send because I wanted to die. That’s where holding on to grief takes you, and I will never go back there again. When I think about everything I would’ve missed if I pulled that trigger, I get chills. I know what it’s like to be at your absolute lowest and have to will yourself to live. If you feel like that, there is hope. I would’ve missed so many opportunities to be happy.
Since then, I have rebuilt my life into something crazy and beautiful. I’m surrounded by friends who love me. I love my daughter more than anything on this earth. Starting over was scary, but we did it. There were a few bumps in the road, some sad times, a global pandemic, some days I never wanted to end, and some days I wouldn’t do over if you paid me, but we’re here. We’re alive. We’re healthy. And we are happy.
最后一个月我的生活一直没说完iest of my entire life. I have smiled more, laughed more, and felt more loved than I have in a long time. The only stress I have felt has been connected to the bad relationship I am still dealing with the repercussions of. There is finally an end in sight to that, and I can put it behind me forever and chalk it up to one big, bad, decision.
In order to move forward with my life, I can’t look backward anymore. I am running full speed toward my future and everything good it has to offer and letting go of all the pain and trauma of my past. No one deserves to carry that pain forever. Carrying it only hurts you longer.
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