在这段时间里，只有我和我的小妹妹，因为我父亲仍然是一个瘾君子。母亲的定罪后，我们还发现她患有宫颈癌。我的小妹妹被我的祖母带走。我和父亲一起呆在后面，父亲最终也抛弃了我。我清楚地记得这一天。我从初中回家。门是打开的，金钱罐子消失了，他的东西散落在地板上。我知道他再次复发。我是我，我没有告诉灵魂。我一个人在那所房子里呆了两个星期。 I would eat at school, come home, and just wait. First the lights were turned off, then the water. My mother somehow found out in jail, and wrote a letter to my big brother to go pick me up. I didn’t want to go with him either, but at this point I had no choice.
我和哥哥住了一年，我记得他只拥抱了我一次。一年后，我父亲在寻找我。他说他已经清理了，来找我的小妹妹和我回来。一旦我们搬进了新的小公寓，我们就去了我的母亲。我们在丹尼（Denny）停下来，吃了一顿大早餐。我们都在笑和微笑。一旦我们进入州监狱，我们终于看到了她。这个图像永远在我的记忆中燃烧。她是苍白的白色，瘦，长发，我不是我记得的母亲。阻塞眼泪非常困难，但她知道我的压倒性战斗 - 我可以看出她避免看着我的眼睛的方式。 When we got back home, I got on my knees and prayed like never before. I asked our holy father to have mercy on us. I cried that I desperately needed my mother with me, and my time being a daughter was not over. God answered. Six months later, she was released early, clear, and freed of cancer.
最终我的父母买了一个回家,life was normal. My sister and I had our own rooms. We had boyfriends, friends over for parties, and I even lost weight – I had been obese since kindergarten. My then boyfriend proposed. I said yes, even though my heart said no. My parents said it was the way to go since he was a hard working Mexican who understood responsibility and the importance of family. I was married by the age of 19, and that’s when tragedy really struck
He wasn’t the man I was dating. As soon as we were married, my husband did a complete180包在我身上。他会在深夜，有时是第二天早晨回家。他没有告诉我爱。他会忽略我，将我视为一种选择。他操纵并控制了我的行为。他决定了我的讲话，我的着装方式，没有让我花钱。我在20岁那年第一次流产。它的连锁反应将持续数年。多年以来，我觉得有必要服从，所以我丈夫可以幸福。在成为“完美的妻子”的过程中，我有几次流产。第三次怀孕，医生说，婴儿的心跳很大，他们的心脏增长良好。我恳求医生，告诉他婴儿不好，以帮助我的身体把他留在里面。 Ignoring my cries, I was sent home. Later that night, I woke up in a pool of blood. Feeling soaking wet, I stood up next to the bed and felt it drop to my feet. My face, in shock, not believing what just happened. Desperate, I tried to pick up the blood. It was not real.
排除现实，伤心欲绝，不接受我的损失，我们继续怀孕。一次又一次。六，六个心跳，上帝不允许我分娩和保留。妇女创造的一份工作，我没有做。在第六次失利时，我的父母开车把我带到急诊室，希望拯救胎儿。医生没有情绪化来到房间里，不愿意告诉我们这没有做到，我将被解雇。With a swollen face, knots in my throat, and no energy, I turned to my mother and asked her ‘Why did God not want me to be a mother?’ Broken and defeated, I said ‘I can’t do it anymore mommy, I can’t let go of my babies. I want to hold them, but I can’t, he took them, all of them.’
我从来没有意识到我的童年戏剧，我转向了聚会生活。我会抓住每一个机会。我养成了与男人在一起的必要性。毕竟，这是我第一次真正的生活，所以不用说我有几个晚上的看台。当然，生活方式变得古老而现实，这不是一个快乐的“我”，而只是掩盖了“我”。一个晚上，我只是崩溃了。我告诉我的天父原谅我，我准备再试一次。我不想再一个人了。几个月后，我和孩子在一起。最后损失五年。所有这些古老的恐惧再次出现。 My sister in law happen to work for a specialist who was successful in helping women through the first trimester. He immediately took me on and I began treatment. Me and my sister in law heard the heartbeat together. It was then I understood how desperately I needed to be a mother in this lifetime.
Once the first trimester was completed, my case was referred to a specialist here in Houston TX who had a three year waiting list. Dr. Karolina Adam, the best of the best. She immediately took me under her wing. I was placed on bed rest, and only allowed to go the restroom, shower, and back to bed. Walls were up, I didn’t want to get attached to the child and loose it again. So I just did as instructed and paid no mind to the fact that there was a living being in my tummy. Week 14-15 we find out it’s a girl, and she’s tiny but strong. Daddy and Mom were overpowered with joy and emotion. My soon to be husband ended up being worse than my first. I now understand I allowed this to keep happening, but at that moment in time, I just wanted to keep the baby alive so I ignored all the red flags. Week 19, I felt her move for the first time. I wept for hours from joy, accepting this child would make it all the way. I went back and forth to the hospital because she kept wanting to come early, but she made it until week 36.
卡特琳娜Ymelda生于2015年10月21日。对the first time in my life, I finally held a living child that God allowed me to have. On November 22nd 2016, her baby brother was born. They were both born one month prior to delivery date, on bed rest, and were extreme and painful pregnancies, but healthy, whole, alive. Me, I was finally, a mother.
My husband was more focused on how he should feel though. He never understood how much grief I held for the six children I had lost because his jealousy would take over since they were fathered by another man. My second marriage really made me wake up to reality. His narcissistic ways molded the strong women you see today. During the pregnancies, my pelvis area was agonizing almost daily. Still, I was forced to have relations with him or he would find someone else to please him. Knowing he cheated on me throughout the relationship, I needed a higher power to help me get away. One time he caught me crying over the losses, his exact words were ‘wh*res are not meant to be mothers, that’s why they all died.’ He also told me I was r*ped as a child because prostitutes have a job to do, insinuating that I was a prostitute.
After everything, at the age of 34 I gave my life to God. It was through God that I found the strength to leave. It hasn’t been the same. Their father has had two more children since we separated. It doesn’t help me one bit as he refuses to see the children. Financially I struggle, and I understand my mother now, and why she made the choice to steal that ring to feed us as children. But I’ve never been as complete as I am today. I’m whole. I have my two living souls with me and our Holy Father taking care of us. One day, I’ll be called home after I pass, and I’ll meet those six little ones. Until than, life is too precious and pure, despite the bad, and despite my past, I feel honored to be here today as a mother. I take pride in calling myself an independent单身的mother of two.”