“无尽的黑洞。虚无。问号。这就是我过去的历史，在我以2岁的韩国韩国儿童来到我的新国家，新家庭，新家庭，新家，新名称和新身份：Kara Mee Bedell之前，这就是我过去的原因。
密歇根州的高加索中产阶级基督教家庭收养了我。他们有2个亲生孩子，但由于对大家庭的怀孕和欲望，他们决定收养。这是我进入图片的时候。收养一直被称为好东西。当有人提到他们采用的时候，没有任何问题。他们经常会遇到微笑，并赞扬他们为世界提供的善行。营救一个“贫穷的孩子”，他们不会将其视为一件好事（我将“贫穷的孩子”引用给我们，因为我们稍后会回到这一点）。对于许多被收养的孩子，至少在一开始就成为一个。这些孩子被赋予家庭，教育，医疗保健，以及如果他们被留在原产国，这将永远无法负担。但是，这对我来说是这样吗？ Let’s travel back to my childhood and adoption story…
正如我所说，我2岁那年从韩国（在首尔以南2小时的一个省份的一个省份）哭泣的公交车站发现，只说我的名字Kang Misuk和我2岁的2岁。1983年11月18日，我被带到Cheongju的孤儿院。10个月后，1984年9月，我被带到密歇根州底特律，与我的新家庭贝德尔斯见面。我对自己的童年时代有美好的回忆，因为我的兄弟姐妹被当作姐姐对待，在我的家庭的庇护所中受到保护，免受任何“差异”的保护，只被视为家庭之一。但是，随着年龄的增长并上学，“差异”变得更加普遍。孩子们会问，‘为什么你的鼻子这么平坦？你的脸为什么平坦？你从哪来？How did you get here?’ Some would even shout out, ‘Hey you, Chinese dude!’ I was a fighter though, and those kids didn’t usually win those arguments as I would retort, ‘Don’t you know an American when you see one?!’ This is how I saw myself, and I was proud to be able to say it.
Growing up in middle class rural America, the pride of being American is instilled in you at a young age. So even at the tender age of 4, I was yelling out these proclamations from the bottom of my belly. Being outgoing, and with a rather strong character, I was well liked among my classmates. Being different on the outside, in the end, didn’t affect my popularity in my early years of education. However, as the outside beauty changes and forms as a child grows older, I started to dislike my small eyes, short eyelashes, dark hair, and flat face. I tried out a perm in order to have the wavy caresses I saw in other girl’s hair, but it turned into a disaster as my aunt used the same type of perming solution as she did on her hair…I will leave this to your imagination, but yes, I looked like a poodle. I never understood why boys didn’t want to go out with me, as only when I looked in the mirror did I remember I was different – Asian.
However, I didn’t let this get in the way of my confidence, and since I was a fighter, my self-esteem remained quite solid even with all of the whispers of not being good enough, not being like the rest circled in the back of my head. Our family was Baptist, so I grew up in the church; we went to church every Wednesday and Sunday. God became my respite in all areas of loss that I may have subconsciously felt, and I feel he rescued me and kept me strong during my teenage years of self-doubt. I managed to successfully maneuver through middle school and high school and went to college with honors. I was always very goal-oriented and had set out to get the job that would allow me not only status, but also the means to travel the world. The small town of Michigan where I grew up would not confine me; there was so much to see in the world and I was meant to see it.
My parents had decided they would not pay for our college education; if we wanted to go to college, then we would pay for it just as my dad did. I’m not sure if inflation counts, but I’m pretty sure college wasn’t as expensive during the Vietnam war days as it was when I went, so the only way to go was to either get a sports scholarship (I wasn’t allowed to play sports during school, so this wasn’t an option), education scholarship (I wasn’t smart enough for this with only a 3.89 GPA), or work your ass off while attending. I did the latter, and worked full-time jobs throughout the 4 years to graduate debt free. I’m rather proud of this achievement, but would never go back to my college days as many fondly wish they could. I graduated with a degree in Marketing and double minor in Japanese and Business. I landed a job right out of college with Nestle and moved to Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
我的过去和任何与众不同或被收养的情绪都是过去的，甚至我忘记了它，直到我在弗吉尼亚州弗吉尼亚海滩与新发现的朋友共进晚餐，我在2004年搬到了我的职业生涯。我的朋友从未见过我的家人，他们搬家后不久就来拜访了我。当我的朋友到达时，我介绍了我的父母，但他们遇到了惊讶和尴尬的表情。我不明白我的一个朋友问：“卡拉，也许你忘了告诉我们的东西吗？”我搜寻了我的大脑思考，他是怎么回事？然后它突然出现在我身上……‘啊，我被收养了，我没有提到吗？’
所有的拼图碎片都落在原位，每个人都坐下来吃了一顿美味的午餐，被遗忘了。这就是我生命中近30年对我的意义，这是一个事实，但不值得提及。那是过去，过去最好留在过去，或者我想。If anyone were to ask me about my adoption, I always formulated these sentences, ‘Yes I’m adopted, found abandoned in a parking lot when I was a baby, but my adoptive parents are my parents now and I don’t need to search as I only look towards the future.’ This was usually enough of an explanation to appease the curiosity and said with enough firmness to squash any questions that might have been hanging in the air.
我在2006年开始工作的一家国际公司在弗吉尼亚海滩遇见了我的丈夫。他来自荷兰，而且由于任何国际都令人兴奋，因此他自然也是如此。这是我们的瞬间火花。一年后，我们订婚了，另一半之后我们结婚了。2008年，我们进行了一次世界旅行，在世界各地的背包旅行8个月，在2009年在阿姆斯特丹定居，在南美，非洲，塞舌伦，中东和俄罗斯袭击。，然后开始在药品中再次工作，这是我从美国搬出的最后一个职业。
2012年，我们的儿子亚历山大（Alexander）出生了，这完全震撼了我的世界。当时我不知道为什么这样做，但是我只能觉得有必要成为他的主要照顾者，没有其他人足够好。我总是很雄心勃勃。我的梦想是我的梦想，有一天成为首席执行官，这是我的梦想，但是当亚历山大经过12个艰难的收缩小时后被放在我的怀里时，一切都落在了路上。这个孩子，生物亲戚，我的血是我的，我可以看到自己在他的小特征中反映了自己。这是我一生中的第一次，有人看起来像我，我看起来像我记得的人。
However, it wasn’t until after my daughter was born two and a half years later that my past came full circle. She was demanding as a baby, and needed me more than my son had. She wouldn’t allow anyone else to feed her, only took the breast, and would scream if I left the room as she grew older. Her attachment was so strong, and my realization of how well she knew and needed her mother was ingrained into my heart. With this realization became my own towards my亲生母亲for the first time in 30 years… was I this way? Did I also scream for her? How much pain and guilt must she feel to have abandoned me. She must wonder about me everyday… I have to find her.
In 2016, I started my search by sending in my DNA to FamilyTreeDna through 325kamra, a non-profit who works to reunite adoptees through DNA, funded by a generous donation by a fellow adoptee Thomas Clement. I also contacted my adoption agency in the US (Bethany Christian Services) and they in turn reached out to Holt Korea to request my file and any extra information they might have on record. In 2017, we visited韩国并进行了身体搜索，即使我们没有发现任何新事物，也是我第一次向韩国开心并成为韩国人。这是我第一次意识到自己是亚洲人，并且可以欢迎它，而不再躲藏起来。我喜欢融合，购物和发现一切都可以适合我的感觉，一切都是为我的身体形状制造和设计的，脸色……我的平坦鼻子和平坦的脸在韩国不被认为是平坦的。我可以在无限分类中挑选的太阳镜和鞋子之类的小东西。我很平均，我从未有过。
2018年我们参观了再一次,我们发现新医生uments at the orphanage that revealed my foster parents had in actuality tried to adopt me domestically. When I tried to find out the truth of these papers, and more documents to support the claim of my foster mother, I read, ‘The orphanage called us and told us to send you back, that an American couple were looking for a 2-year-old and we should send you back. We didn’t want to but we did. I’m so sorry we couldn’t raise you, I never was able to have children and would have so loved to have you.’ I was met with the orphanage replying, ‘We can’t find anymore documents.’ And Holt emailing, ‘Your orphanage encountered a flood, so the documents were probably lost.’
The orphanage later confirmed the flood was in the 70’s, long before I had arrived in 1981. I became angry, betrayed, my whole picture of what adoption was and is fell apart and I was left with, ‘I was shipped off for more money, sold.’ It was a dark period, as I dealt with the conflicting feelings of adoption is not good, adoption agencies are not good, adoption is an industry, files are fabricated, lies are told to keep us in the dark and not asking questions, etc. I came to the conclusion, however, that it’s finished. There is nothing else to find. Even if this is true, I am nowhere closer to finding my mother, so it’s time to stop this.
However, in January 2019 I received a DNA match, a 1st cousin or nephew match, 1188cM or 17%. This was like winning the lottery among adoptees, having a Korean non-adopted match was my finding a needle in a haystack. He was friendly, open, and desired to help me find my mother. However, after 8 months of building a relationship, gathering information and building the family tree, involving his mother shut the line of help down. I then managed to find his cousin, and again she was helpful, open, and desired to help. Involving her mother also shut the line of help down. Not even after begging on my knees in front of their door in Seoul would it move their hearts to speak to me. Instead, they called the police.
结果，2019年11月18日，在我被遗弃后的36年后，我迈出了第一步，以收回自己的身份 - 我针对我的假设父亲提起了亲子诉讼。我从来不想找到父亲，如果我说实话，我只想知道我妈妈是谁，让她感到内gui，让她知道我还好。但是，他是我找到的，找到她的唯一方法是确认他的父母，然后我有能力与他见面。在韩国，收养者无权未经出生同意就可以与他们的出生家庭接触parents。However, in my case, my file said I was abandoned and it was only through the stroke of luck in DNA that I even found him. But proving him to be my father with foreign DNA tests was not enough for Seoul police to reach out to him due to stringent privacy laws. There wasn’t a single way to ask him without his family helping me, and it was out of the question. So, this was my only option to proceed in my quest to find my mother.
April 16, 2020 I received my answer from my lawyer: ‘Congratulations, Oh Ikgyu is your father.’ Those words were affirming beyond anything I could describe. All the doubt and accusations that were thrown at me by his daughters were washed away with the black and white irrefutable evidence 99.981% DNA match- father/daughter. I wept, sobbed uncontrollably; I finally knew a piece of the endless black hole of my past. Even if it wasn’t what I had set out to search for, it was one answer.
2020年6月12日，我参加了审判，法官进一步确认了对自己的女儿的法律认可，并认为父亲必须将我加入他的家人登记册。我现在被列为哦卡拉（Oh Kara），我的身份被霍尔特（Holt）剥夺了一个新名称，它认识到我目前的自我，但也收回了本应是什么。恢复正义。不幸的是，我的故事还没有导致一个幸福的结局，我的见面是我父亲遇到了2名保镖，这是一张无法识别的面孔，没有解决问题。但是，由于解决了一半的难题，仍然有希望。现在有线索，还有更多的领导来搜寻我的母亲。
But more importantly, I want to inspire adoptees to never give up. To stand up and fight for truth. I would also like to hopefully give insight for non-adoptees as to how complex adoption is. It is not as simple as ‘rescuing an impoverished child’ and ‘doing good.’ My Korean father was extremely wealthy, and my sisters all went to Ivy League schools and their husbands have positions of wealth and status within Korean society. It is assumed I was born due to an affair, and therefore sent away. A cover-up to an embarrassment to my father’s mistakes; this is adoption as well. In the 1980’s, Korea was poorer then they currently are. In my year, 1984, were not primarily sent away due to poverty. It was due to the lack of infrastructure set in place (both societal and financial) by the government. A complete failure to care for their most vulnerable and taking the easy way out: shipping us abroad, saving and making money in the process.
Am I better off? It’s a question that can’t be answered as the ‘what if’s’ in life remain just that. What’s important to take away from my story is international adoption represents the loss of everything for the child; the traditional narrative of rescuing children through adoption is no longer applicable from what we know after research and countless news articles of stolen/trafficked and illegal intercountry adoptions have surfaced. Receiving countries are slowly initiating investigative committees (Europe) and the sensitivity of corruption found in the adoption industry remains and always will as long as there is supply/demand and money involved.
此外，为了获得认可并能够与我的亲生父亲接触，我必须经历的旅程不应该发生。收养者需要获得合法的起源权。我希望您作为读者，社会的成员，将为改变叙事而贡献，并在我们为此而战时站在我们旁边：恢复性正义和起源权。我不生气收养人从任何意义上讲，我是一个正义的生气。我非常感谢我的收养家庭，以防您认为我不是，即使我不必这样做；但是，在所有“善”中采用它的采用并不能证明这一手段是合理的。应该为真理和正义而战，希望您能与我站在一起并这样做。”
这个故事提交给 beplay网络一直不畅 by Kara Bos of Amsterdam, The Netherlands. You can follow her journey onFacebook和Instagram。提交your own story here，请确保 订阅to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube为了我们最好的视频。
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‘他们是兄弟姐妹吗？他们的父母在哪里？’人们问我在孩子们面前尖头。’
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